Where do we go, now…

I’ve been reading a bit more about grief, death, and ideas on where we go. I’m envious of those who have a fixed idea and a conviction of what happens, either through the religion they were born into as a child, or through another portal, as in discovering a faith or belief later in life.

I’m still quite neutral on that field, despite attending French catholic school. If religion, or whatever it may be helps your life, guides you well, keeps you safe and generally makes you a better person, then worship away. If a faith like Buddhism guides you into a comfort for what is to come, then I’m glad for you. If your Imam, minister or rabbi is the best and kindest spiritual guide in the world, follow them. I do believe all of our “gods” are one and the same. They care. We have them to care for our souls, our afterlife. We have them to give us hope.

I dabble in a bit of something close to a faith, I suppose. Don’t be a jerk, if at all possible. Be empathetic and kind. Be generous and good. That’s the basis for a good dogma, I think. Oh, and be nice to animals.

I do think there must be something bigger than us, and that there is a plan. Whether that plan is chosen by a drunk monkey, I couldn’t say. I don’t want to start thinking about the infinite universe, as my mind will melt. There is and end to everything, but what’s on the other side of the ending… ugh. It’s an MC Escher drawing.

I think we do go somewhere when we pass. Back to the science of it all – energy cannot be destroyed. But where does it go? Our pumping hearts are not related to our souls at all. If that were true, assholes would have heart attacks and nice people would always be healthy. Our bodies are just a convenient place for our souls to hang out. (Gives souls an excuse to wear cute shoes and eat good food.)

despite some of you being 100% sure on where we go when we pass away, be it heaven, Valhalla, reincarnated etc., I can’t say I believe anyone really knows. It’s a mystery and will be until we pass… not for the few minutes of code blue on the operating table and they bring you back, but I mean, gone, gone, baby gone.
Like John is gone.
Where is he? Is he ok. Is he still doing earth things, or angel things, or spooky ghost things? Is he being reborn into another shell, a baby somewhere on this planet to make someone happy? Is he a tree. Is he next to me reading this? Does he wish he’d stayed?
I don’t know.
Energy is limited by the conduit upon which it travels. A light bulb is dim unless we flick the switch. Calories aren’t energy unless we eat them… so what does it take for a body-less soul to be known to the soul encased?

I’m sober, I swear.

It’s just non stop wondering “where are you, Behr?”
I hoped for the cold air in the house, seeing my breath as he passes by. Or like the movie “Ghost” with the penny and the photo frame.
Something.
I’ve even thought he might not be with me at all. He might have lots of stuff to see and do. He might be that crying baby pissing me off in the store. Or that tree I’m growing from seed.
I just want him to be OK. I want him to forgive me for anything stupid I did, and I’m trying to do the same. I want him to see the things he’s always wanted to see, to taste the foods he loves, to feel my love, to fly, to sleep in and talk to horses. I want him to be OK.

I’m trying to be OK, here, Behr. If you are here, I’m hoping you can guide me towards being OK. I miss you.

*edit: just spoke with my sister , who’s best friend passed away from cancer…. she knew she was leaving this earth. She said she wasn’t afraid. That’s something I don’t understand right now, But it’s comforting to know someone who saw their end wasn’t afraid. I can only hope John wasn’t afraid and had conviction in his decision. miss you, Behr.

Gotta Run.