This one isn’t so much about healing, but about remembering.
I’ve redecorated a lot at home. I’m not eliminating things, but trying embrace my new status. Not widow, but i was John’s wife, i still am his wife, but now it’s just me. This is my home now. i live here alone.This house, home, was built on our love. Cheesy? yes. True? yes. it’s still my home. I’m OK here. This was and will be our (my) home, for a while, at least.
We had grandiose ideas of a 3 bedroom home with a man cave, 2 car garage, an old Victorian gem with a new kitchen. We fell in love with a one bedroom, re-done log cabin with a wee garage and no basement. Ah well. As john Lennon said “life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans”. i thought i’d have horses. i have 3 cats.
then again, i never thought i’d get married. Then i met John. the day i met him i knew. I’m hooped. he’s it. damn it. i never though “he” existed; funny, smart, worldly, sweet, sexy, the works. I’m glad i told him that. “I never thought you existed, Behr.” I was honoured to have him. My Behr.
- We met doing aerial forest fire surveys in a northern town, under late sunset. My plane broke down at his base airport when i was only there to stop for gas. When he told the story, i broke the plane on purpose so i could see him. Ha. I wanted to get the mission done, but it was kind of a relief to be able to relax for the night and just shoot the breeze with other pilots, so to speak. It was nice to talk to him and get to know him a bit. After that night, John and i kept in touch from our respective bases, 300km apart until i was eventually transferred to his base (coincidence) and when the season ended, and the fires stopped, he followed me to my parents home. (where most pilots end up moving back to at least once in their careers). We’d been together ever since up until he left.
He was a hit, so to speak, with the family. Everyone liked him immediately. What wasn’t to like? I was a better person around him, too. He made me happy. He made me real. He made me, well, me.
Is it strange that sometimes i recall thinking this wasn’t going to last? i wasn’t sure where those thoughts came from, but i never guessed he’d leave me like this. Never dared think he’d take his own life. That day when i couldn’t get a hold of him, i’ll admit, that terrible thought crossed my mind. But just for a fleeting second. I thought he’d had a car accident, or just shut the world out for the day, but i knew something was wrong.
For all of the perfection he offered me, he couldn’t see it within himself. The last year of turmoil we were going through changed him. He wasn’t himself, and in hindsight, i see it now, but didn’t recognize it then.
He blamed himself for everything that went wrong in our lives.
That breaks my heart. He did nothing wrong. life sucks sometimes, and the bad guy wins, but we have to cope with it. He just couldn’t.
i miss him. I’d go back to the day we met. I’d change everything from day 1. I’d guard him. I’d protect him more. I’d hug him more. I’d listen to him more… but of course, i would need to know what i know now. Would i put myself through the pain of loosing him if i could do it again? I don’t know. Maybe me being in his life contributed to this, in some turn of events or twist of fate. If he’d married someone else, had kids, moved out west… i don’t know. Why would i want to lose him again. Not like that. Not to suicide. i might be able to handle a heart attack, but not suicide.
I miss my fresh faced silly goof i met in the northern town, the smell of campfire on our clothes as we nodded off under the late sunset of summer. Safe. We were safe.
Nothing seems safe anymore. No matter how hard you hold on, nothing is safe.