I debated writing about my feelings near the V-day, however, it is a pretty obvious hollow day for a lost spouse with no partner. It’s not my first Valentines, alone, without him, but it still sucks. I should point out that John and I never observed Valentines’, per say. My thought was that one day a year wasn’t possibly enough to show the love and … Continue reading Happy every other Day…
It seems to be a consensus amongst us -us being suicide loss survivors- that our grief is written on our faces. It turns out, it is not. People don’t see the loss. They don’t see the heartbreak. They don’t see anything but a face. It still kinda blows my mind when I realize this. It’s shocking, because I see it. I see the lines I … Continue reading Inked
The second year without my Behr has been in full swing for a few months now. I’m doing my darnedest to not focus on those kind of anniversaries. The not happy ones. I don’t get why friends of mine post things on Facebook about how it’s been x amount of time since their 70 year old mum or 98 year old pappy passed away. WHY … Continue reading Reality bites
Where do we go, now… I’ve been reading a bit more about grief, death, and ideas on where we go. I’m envious of those who have a fixed idea and a conviction of what happens, either through the religion they were born into as a child, or through another portal, as in discovering a faith or belief later in life. I’m still quite neutral on … Continue reading Where do we go …
John was an avid reader. Our home is small, but we have five substantial bookshelves. Most of the books were Johns’, to be honest. I have my fair share, but his stash multiplied regularly. His guilty pleasure. He couldn’t just sit and stare into space or busy himself gardening or tidying like i do. He needed to read. History books, and historical novels, as well … Continue reading Books mark
Hi I had a major setback this week. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t as bad as the first week, but it was frightening. All of the despair just raged its way right back in my face, my mind and my heart and sucked the hope right out of me. Alan Wolfelt, a grief… specialist? calls them grief bursts. This was a grief volcano. i broke … Continue reading Stay
Hi again. i went for a trail run this morning. i’m still slow. i was thinking during this run (again) about hands. Not feet, hands. My hands were freezing! the temperature dropped about 20 degrees C from yesterday afternoon, and there was a nice chill in the air. Perfect running weather, really – unless you forgot your gloves. If John was here, i’d have placed … Continue reading Hands and pinkie fingers
I prefer running in the woods. Trails have wonderfully uneven surfaces: rough, smooth, muddy or grassy. Generally in these woods, these trails, there are less people to say “wow. She’s slow” and less hardship on my body. There is less impact, more embracing the knees and shins. Concrete sidewalks can be sad, lonely places. Whipping by people’s homes – wondering if this beautiful yard belongs … Continue reading Cracks in the concrete
Hi I have very flexible ankles. So much so, that i can twist them inwards and walk on the outsides of them without feeling pain. I’m sure it’s not good to do that, but it is one heck of a party trick. It totally grossed John out. He thought it would cause long term damage, or something. meh… mostly, it grossed him out. I went … Continue reading Unstable
Such a simple social question between strangers, friends, co-workers. How. Are. You. Do they want the truth? Probably not. Shit. crappy. sucking, i’m holding in the rage, i’m barely hanging on, i’m on the verge of tears…. not the best way to start a day or five days with a co-worker you’ve never met. But saying “i’m fine” feels like a big fat lie. You’ve … Continue reading How are you?
