Inked

It seems to be a consensus amongst us -us being suicide loss survivors- that our grief is written on our faces. It turns out, it is not. People don’t see the loss. They don’t see the heartbreak. They don’t see anything but a face. It still kinda blows my mind when I realize this. It’s shocking, because I see it. I see the lines I … Continue reading Inked

Books mark

John was an avid reader. Our home is small, but we have five substantial bookshelves.  Most of the books were Johns’, to be honest. I have my fair share, but his stash multiplied regularly. His guilty pleasure.  He couldn’t just sit and stare into space or busy himself gardening or tidying like i do. He needed to read. History books, and historical novels, as well … Continue reading Books mark

Stay

Hi I had a major setback this week. It wasn’t good. It wasn’t as bad as the first week, but it was frightening. All of the despair just raged its way right back in my face, my mind and my heart and sucked the hope right out of me. Alan Wolfelt, a grief… specialist? calls them grief bursts. This was a grief volcano. i broke … Continue reading Stay

Cracks in the concrete

I prefer running in the woods. Trails have wonderfully uneven surfaces: rough, smooth, muddy or grassy. Generally in these woods, these trails, there are less people to say “wow. She’s slow” and less hardship on my body. There is less impact, more embracing the knees and shins. Concrete sidewalks can be sad, lonely places. Whipping by people’s homes – wondering if this beautiful yard belongs … Continue reading Cracks in the concrete

Unstable

Hi I have very flexible ankles. So much so, that i can twist them inwards and walk on the outsides of them without feeling pain. I’m sure it’s not good to do that, but it is one heck of a party trick. It totally grossed John out. He thought it would cause long term damage, or something. meh… mostly, it grossed him out. I went … Continue reading Unstable

How are you?

Such a simple social question between strangers, friends, co-workers. How. Are. You. Do they want the truth? Probably not. Shit. crappy. sucking, i’m holding in the rage, i’m barely hanging on, i’m on the verge of tears…. not the best way to start a day or five days with a co-worker you’ve never met. But saying “i’m fine” feels like a big fat lie. You’ve … Continue reading How are you?