This was the year we will all remember, but sooner forget. The Covid Pandemic has upset so much of our lives. Jobs have been lost, schools have been online, weddings, gatherings and countless celebrations postponed. It doesn’t sound like a big deal in the grand scheme of things, because it’s all first world problems… but the mental toll doesn’t care what socio-economic bracket you fall … Continue reading Older than you…
The lockdown of the new normal is in full swing. Some morons are out there, waving flags around like a grade 4 graduation diploma or marriage certificate to ones’ first cousin… but mostly, those who can think, are all trying. We’re trying to stay away from the ones we love. We’re trying to make it on employment insurance. We’re trying to cope with 3 kids … Continue reading grieving normal
I admit it: I haven’t really run for a while. Taking the necessary time off to heal my knees took a toll on my mental state, to the point, perhaps, of putting my healing into a holding pattern and forgetting the joys of trail runs. Staring into space, letting guilt, the loss of losing John to suicide swirl around in my mind and soul seemed … Continue reading Take me to the river
Resilience I have a love/ hate relationship with that word. I wish I wasn’t so resilient sometimes, as I feel it would be easier to crumble and wither away in my grief and tears, but I’m also glad I am. Being resilient means I’m still here. I didn’t join John. I could have. Easily. Being resilient means that I get to see sunsets and sunrises, … Continue reading Resilience
21.1. Km I’m still feeling the aftermath of my first half marathon of the season, and my fist one since, well…my very first one 18 months ago. I finished the ChillyHalf in Burlington at a modest 2:12 and have chafe marks in places no one should chafe. I didn’t train as much for this one, and as I’ve been back at work I haven’t run … Continue reading 21.1 kilometres
I’m still desperate to understand why some people see suicide as their only option. I read books from health professionals. I read interviews with people who have attempted suicide, but lived. I buy medical books with words and terms I honestly don’t quite understand. I have found articles relating gut health to depression. I have found articles linking alcohol abuse to suicide. But I have … Continue reading Tiny little pieces
A dear friend of mine, who is also grieving, asked me how I was really doing the other day. My answer for that day was “I’m actually doing ok” huh. I explained I was still sad, and that he had just missed a sudden grief tsunami of my tears and sobbing, but at that time i was actually, truly, ok. I told him that despite … Continue reading Hope chest of drawers
I’m not sure when I realized I stopped counting the seconds, the minutes, the hours… but I just realized I stopped counting the months at some point. I actually stopped counting the exact time since John left. One day it was the 8th day of a month, and I didn’t even notice the 5th skipped by. Huh. I’m trying to pass on that bit of … Continue reading C
They say it’s your birthday. John would have been 48 today. It’s odd to think that in two years, I’ll have been alive longer than he was. He was always supposed to be older than me. One day he won’t be. Quite a few people have checked in on me today, hoping I’m ok. I didn’t know what to say. I am ok? I’m wondering … Continue reading Birthday
Happiness morphs between mildly content and ecstatic. Although I can say that I am happy today, I can also assure you that it is a different happy than what I had before John died. But it is still happy. There are many ways to look at the evolution of happy before and after you lose a love to suicide. For a while, it is not … Continue reading Same but different
Grief Runs 