What can i say…

Hi again.

Holiday season was another load of sad smiles, empty hearts pretending we’re OK, and despite the love i felt from friends and family, it’s not the same. John is missed. I’m sure anyone who’s lost someone feels the same. I worked throughout the season, but got a 12 hour mini-christmas amidst a blizzard. It was good, but it will never be as good as it was with John. I miss him so much, and it seems a more desperate “missing” every day. I stare outside and wait for him, sometimes. I shovel the snow, thinking maybe i should wait ’till John comes home. I tell the cats he’ll be here soon. It’s odd. I know he’s gone. Of course i know. I saw him when his soul had already left. I saw the ambulance take him away.
The night he left seems far away now, like it should be far enough away to not be real. Time heals all, right? so why isn’t it fixing this. Why is life still broken?

Why do lives still break every day?

I’ve had more than a few people in touch with me about the subject of suicide. Another man, similar profile to John, took his own life and his daughter found him. His friend reached out to me, looking for advice on what to say to his widow. What can you say?
Another spouse is under constant watch after she passively tries to end it 4 times this year alone.

I want to help. I want to stop the dying. I have to. I can’t share this world with other broken hearts. Hearts get too heavy when they feel this kind of loss that the world just can’t go on spinning with that much extra weight.
But what do i say?
Don’t do it.
what can i say that their loved ones, who are begging them to stay, and hugging them and holding onto them like they will never let go, haven’t already said?
What can i say that will make them stay. i am just a sad person who has no idea what they are going through to be at the brink of the end. I didn’t even know John was that close.
What i can i say to make these loved people change their minds?

I’ve been asked “did you have signs?” – meaning did John say it out loud? no. He didn’t. And the signs were only made visible after he left. Hindsight they call it.
Silly things he said that turned into a conversation, or that simply turned into a hug on the couch. You NEVER think your love will leave you like that.

I know parents who have lost their son. He said, after one of his anxiety induced outbursts “mom, i want to die”… he had said that for 5 years, always after his medications wore off.
But one still can’t think it will actually happen. And you also can’t watch them 24/7. He left when they turned their backs for a few hours.

I know a father who lost his adult daughter the day she told him “Daddy, everything is so much better now. I love you, goodnight. Talk tomorrow.”
She never had tomorrow.
He went to sleep thinking his beautiful daughter, a parent herself, was in a good place. She left that night.

What can i say?

“Never leave them alone.”
“Don’t believe them when they say they are OK.”

i can’t say that.
what can i say…

be kind. be patient. listen. look deeper. tell them they are loved, needed, wanted. hold on to them.

i don’t know how to stop suicide. I wish i did.
what can i say.

gotta run.

2 thoughts on “What can i say…

  1. Wow! Your pain is so palpable. To say I’m sorry for your loss doesn’t begin to express how much emotion you have stirred in me.

    You can help. You have helped. You are helping.

    Continue to share your story. Be as dreadfully honest as you are here. You won’t rescue every life, but your grief may hit home for some, even one, and give them a sliver of hope.

    How do I know? Ten years ago I attempted to kill myself. Each suicidal person is absolutely unique. I am confident you loved John and in he no doubt knew this. Sometimes our brains just betray us.

    Keep sharing your story. It’s the best you can do.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s