21.1. Km I’m still feeling the aftermath of my first half marathon of the season, and my fist one since, well…my very first one 18 months ago. I finished the ChillyHalf in Burlington at a modest 2:12 and have chafe marks in places no one should chafe. I didn’t train as much for this one, and as I’ve been back at work I haven’t run … Continue reading 21.1 kilometres
I’m still desperate to understand why some people see suicide as their only option. I read books from health professionals. I read interviews with people who have attempted suicide, but lived. I buy medical books with words and terms I honestly don’t quite understand. I have found articles relating gut health to depression. I have found articles linking alcohol abuse to suicide. But I have … Continue reading Tiny little pieces
A dear friend of mine, who is also grieving, asked me how I was really doing the other day. My answer for that day was “I’m actually doing ok” huh. I explained I was still sad, and that he had just missed a sudden grief tsunami of my tears and sobbing, but at that time i was actually, truly, ok. I told him that despite … Continue reading Hope chest of drawers
I’m not sure when I realized I stopped counting the seconds, the minutes, the hours… but I just realized I stopped counting the months at some point. I actually stopped counting the exact time since John left. One day it was the 8th day of a month, and I didn’t even notice the 5th skipped by. Huh. I’m trying to pass on that bit of … Continue reading C
Happiness morphs between mildly content and ecstatic. Although I can say that I am happy today, I can also assure you that it is a different happy than what I had before John died. But it is still happy. There are many ways to look at the evolution of happy before and after you lose a love to suicide. For a while, it is not … Continue reading Same but different
I’ve made it past the two year mark, and this time it wasn’t that traumatizing. The firsts are always the worst, it seems. The first anniversary, the first birthday, the first road trip, the first Christmas. The first September without John was terrible, leading to my escape to Spain. This one, I felt like i could coast through it if I just didn’t think about … Continue reading Changes
I attended a gala for mental health a few months ago. I think I’d mentioned that in a previous entry. I had a wee bit of hope after that night. Hope that some suicides are preventable and permanently avoided. Well, another blow to hope came last week. One of the “successful” patients who was a walking, talking proof that we can truly have hope, took … Continue reading Don’t ask Questions…
I’m very tired these days. Tired of being sad, tired of wondering “is this IT?’ as far as progression or healing will go. Tired, physically not only with work, but the fact that I try to exhaust myself with running, yoga, occasionally purposefully not meeting my daily caloric intake – don’t care. Tired Mostly, I’m tired of pretending I’m OK. Crappy thing, I think my … Continue reading Tired
Hi again. Holiday season was another load of sad smiles, empty hearts pretending we’re OK, and despite the love i felt from friends and family, it’s not the same. John is missed. I’m sure anyone who’s lost someone feels the same. I worked throughout the season, but got a 12 hour mini-christmas amidst a blizzard. It was good, but it will never be as good … Continue reading What can i say…
Grief Runs 