The first year after losing my beautiful husband to suicide has passed. I made it. Some days I honestly didn’t think I would. It is so very difficult to be alive some times when you’re constantly asking yourself “what if”, “why” and trying to believe it never happened. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that this is how it will be for me. I can … Continue reading Te Echo de Menos
The day your loved ones decides to leave this earth isn’t one you care to ‘observe’ for lack of a better word. That day is not only the worst one of our lives, but also does not define our sons, daughter, nephew, friends or in my case, my best friend, my beautiful husband. That day is the opposite of him. It makes no sense. That … Continue reading First dates and runniversaries
Where do we go, now… I’ve been reading a bit more about grief, death, and ideas on where we go. I’m envious of those who have a fixed idea and a conviction of what happens, either through the religion they were born into as a child, or through another portal, as in discovering a faith or belief later in life. I’m still quite neutral on … Continue reading Where do we go …
This one isn’t so much about healing, but about remembering. I’ve redecorated a lot at home. I’m not eliminating things, but trying embrace my new status. Not widow, but i was John’s wife, i still am his wife, but now it’s just me. This is my home now. i live here alone.This house, home, was built on our love. Cheesy? yes. True? yes. it’s still … Continue reading hello, goodbye, come back
I’ve done yoga for years now, Moksha yoga, specifically. I love it; the heat, the sweating, the shaky leg muscles holding postures, and especially the stretching. Yoga in itself is a moving meditation, although I have mostly considered it a workout. Chatarunga is chataFunga for biceps and great for core. yoga changed my body for the better. So back to this moving and mindful meditation … Continue reading Ohm, shanti, what?
Hi again At one point, John thought it was a great idea to start running. He was a big guy, more footballer than runner, but he liked to stay fit, so running was an easy choice… because after buying the shoes, it’s free. You can pretty much do it anywhere, and he liked listening to his tunes on the go. He had heard of a … Continue reading Running with Ed
Running has been great. It helps my mind in a way that therapy does not. I must say that therapy has been good, as well and I encourage anyone to go and talk about your worries, your woes, your grief. I also encourage running. The rhythm, the breathing, the constant tread of your own feet. It helps. Running allows your thoughts to ebb and flow … Continue reading Dance therapy
My Smart phone won’t prompt the word ‘suicide’. What the duck… fuck. I understand that making sure duck prompts first for the general population is a good thing, albeit frustrating. but c’mon. Suicide. It’s not a bad word. It’s a desperate act that leaves pain in its wake, but it’s a word. My phone has no problem prompting words like racism, hatred, despair, bullying and … Continue reading Bad words
I’m the type of person who seldom takes painkillers. I’ve had fairly major surgery and still, just don’t use unless I’m in agony. I’m also the type of person who hasn’t ever mastered the art of a consistently great sleep. I can’t even nap. As you can imagine, after they took my John away in the ambulance, the cops came and went, the coroner left … Continue reading Goodnight, ‘Pam
Hi. I went back to work about 5 months after John left. It was tough, as the insurance company was being a complete douchebage while i was off work. I still rage when i think about their absolutely inappropriate comments, and how they treated my broken heart and very messed up head like it was a broken arm. (right over Christmas, too) I’m not done … Continue reading Virtually Running
Grief Runs 