The day John left me was the worst day of my life.

It was the worst day of many peoples’ lives. His mum, his brother, his friends who were like brothers and sisters, my parents, my family… we all lost a piece of our hearts that day.

Just so you know, that piece will NEVER come back. I appreciate the kindness associated with friends of mine who have said silly things, like “you’ll heal” “you’ll move on” “you’ll get over this”.  Shut up.

SHUT UP.

No. suicide loss is not something that ever leaves you. Grandma didn’t die in her sleep at 90 years old. We lost a perfect human being. OUR perfect human. Our perfect person left us on purpose. They left us behind. They thought it was the best thing to do for us, but that makes it even worse. How did you think i’d be better without you. How?

IF you’ve recently lost someone to suicide, i hate to tell you – that feeling? yeah – it’s for keeps. It has absolutely evolved over the last 8 months, but it has not gone away. It hasn’t even budged.  It also sneaks up on you at the strangest times, too. When i see old couples holding hands in the grocery store, i lose it. When i hear people complain about the most trivial things that their spouse did that upset them – i want to smack them right in the face. DON’T. i want to say. DON’T.  Go home and hug them. Screw the toilet roll.

So that feeling is looming everyday. But we can make blankets to hide under. We can make cozy sweaters to keep us safe. We can dive under the ocean. Whatever euphemism you wish to use, we can do all of those things, but the pain is still there. It’s ours for keeps.

In my group, they told us to write our feelings down. Sounds hokey – but i talk to him all the time, so what’s the difference. Writing things down is GOOD. Do it. I have a journal, and i don’t write to him a lot, but when i do, it’s a release.

After he left, i had so many things to do – legal crap, home ownership transfer, accounts, my own medical issues (we’ll talk about Pam later), work, life insurance etc… if i didn’t go back to a paper organizer, i’d have missed everything. After this kind of shock,  your brain isn’t functioning the same way you are used to. It has, essentially shut down with a form of PTSD.  I had to write everything down. Also, write who visited you and when. Who called, who sent you a gift and when. Write it ALL down. You’ll be glad you did.

Over the course of this blog, i’ll try to sort things out. For myself, but also for the thousands of broken hearts that are left behind after a suicide. It might not be chronological, it might not even make sense.

But what the fuck does make sense anymore?

Gotta run.