Hi again. Holiday season was another load of sad smiles, empty hearts pretending we’re OK, and despite the love i felt from friends and family, it’s not the same. John is missed. I’m sure anyone who’s lost someone feels the same. I worked throughout the season, but got a 12 hour mini-christmas amidst a blizzard. It was good, but it will never be as good … Continue reading What can i say…
It seems to be a consensus amongst us -us being suicide loss survivors- that our grief is written on our faces. It turns out, it is not. People don’t see the loss. They don’t see the heartbreak. They don’t see anything but a face. It still kinda blows my mind when I realize this. It’s shocking, because I see it. I see the lines I … Continue reading Inked
The second year without my Behr has been in full swing for a few months now. I’m doing my darnedest to not focus on those kind of anniversaries. The not happy ones. I don’t get why friends of mine post things on Facebook about how it’s been x amount of time since their 70 year old mum or 98 year old pappy passed away. WHY … Continue reading Reality bites
John snored. It drove me nuts. I’m a very light sleeper and usually had to get up early for work, whereas he was a heavy sleeper and usually worked or stayed up late. I slept with earplugs just to block out the snorts and snores. He felt bad about about that, but then I have restless legs and flail. I occasionally kicked him in my … Continue reading Empty beds
I regret so much in regards to John. I’m sure people who lose loved ones to natural deaths, or deaths you know are coming, have regrets as well, but suicide doesn’t give you a chance to make things right. You don’t get to say goodbye. The last time we spoke, I was in a hotel and he was at home. I was going to tell … Continue reading Regrets… I have a few.
John was a snappy dresser. Yes, he had his silly satirical, goofy tshirts, but generally he was, as they say, a sharply dressed man. Dress shirts with jeans, paired with a sport coat, black jacket and nice shoes. Even in khaki shorts and tshirt, (or a shirt I made him) I always thought he looked great. Even better in his kilt. So a few months … Continue reading You are loved
If you’re lucky, you have or will find a half and they make you whole. John made me a better person, but I know we were great together. We had our issues, but always loved. We were two halves of each other. I’m doubtful I’ll ever find this again. Halves are funny things. You need two to make one, or two to make something fabulous. … Continue reading Better Halves
I still consider myself a new runner, but I have had lots of firsts in my 1st year of running. My first Santa run. My first virtual run. My first fundraising run. My first run in Newfoundland. (Yep. 10 k on ‘The Rock’) and my first real trail run. With hills and stuff. I finished with a respectable time as I was racing against the … Continue reading Trail mixed emotions
The first year after losing my beautiful husband to suicide has passed. I made it. Some days I honestly didn’t think I would. It is so very difficult to be alive some times when you’re constantly asking yourself “what if”, “why” and trying to believe it never happened. I’ve resigned myself to the fact that this is how it will be for me. I can … Continue reading Te Echo de Menos
The day your loved ones decides to leave this earth isn’t one you care to ‘observe’ for lack of a better word. That day is not only the worst one of our lives, but also does not define our sons, daughter, nephew, friends or in my case, my best friend, my beautiful husband. That day is the opposite of him. It makes no sense. That … Continue reading First dates and runniversaries
Grief Runs 