Empty beds

John snored. It drove me nuts.
I’m a very light sleeper and usually had to get up early for work, whereas he was a heavy sleeper and usually worked or stayed up late.
I slept with earplugs just to block out the snorts and snores. He felt bad about about that, but then I have restless legs and flail. I occasionally kicked him in my sleep and sometimes hogged covers.
Despite these differences, I, as you can imagine, just want him next to me again. I miss that heat factory, that big body breathing next to me so very much.

I regret all of the times I pushed him to make him stop snoring, and the few times I had to sleep downstairs. I’d do anything to have those nights back and just snuggle. I’m not a good snuggler, either. His arms were so heavy, that they kinda crushed me a bit, so the romantic notion of falling asleep in each other’s arms really never happened. I liked brushing my foot up against him or just touching him as we drifted off into snooze land…

Drifting to sleep in my bed is where I’ve been feeling the loneliness and sadness more recently. Although We used to enjoy a few nights alone in our bed when the other was at work for a few days, to be able to starfish sleep – as in take the whole bed and all the pillows, arms and legs wide – like a starfish. Funny thing is , we’d generally wind up sleeping on our own sides. We were just so used to having each other there.

I remember the first ‘night’ if you can call it that, after John left. I wanted to be on his side, to smell him, to maybe feel him and cuddle the shape his body made in the pillow top. It was terrible waking up without him. It still is.
The pillows don’t smell like him anymore, and I’ve found myself sleeping in the middle of the bed.. it’s weird. Getting used to being alone and waking up alone is odd as I thought I’d be complaining about his snoring till we were old. My cats are my cuddle bugs now. One of them even snores.

I’ve kept his housecoat, and placed his slippers at the end of the bed. Even though I have been able to fall asleep without crying every night, I still wake up missing him every morning. I can’t see that ever changing. I just wish I would dream about him.

I don’t have great advice for anyone if you’re I’ve lost your spouse, not only to suicide, but to anything. I’ve rearranged the bedroom furniture, changed the linens and bought new pillows. Doesn’t matter. Your bed will feel empty. It’s just the way it is. I do have advice if you are still lucky enough to have your love with you. If your spouse snores, or if cuddling isn’t your thing…. wear earplugs and just hang on to them with all of your might. The Sweetest dreams can turn into nightmares in a heartbeat.

Gotta run.

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