It seems to be a consensus amongst us -us being suicide loss survivors- that our grief is written on our faces. It turns out, it is not. People don’t see the loss. They don’t see the heartbreak. They don’t see anything but a face. It still kinda blows my mind when I realize this. It’s […]

Read more "Inked"

Reality bites

The second year without my Behr has been in full swing for a few months now. I’m doing my darnedest to not focus on those kind of anniversaries. The not happy ones. I don’t get why friends of mine post things on Facebook about how it’s been x amount of time since their 70 year […]

Read more "Reality bites"

Empty beds

John snored. It drove me nuts. I’m a very light sleeper and usually had to get up early for work, whereas he was a heavy sleeper and usually worked or stayed up late. I slept with earplugs just to block out the snorts and snores. He felt bad about about that, but then I have […]

Read more "Empty beds"

Regrets… I have a few.

I regret so much in regards to John. I’m sure people who lose loved ones to natural deaths, or deaths you know are coming, have regrets as well, but suicide doesn’t give you a chance to make things right. You don’t get to say goodbye. The last time we spoke, I was in a hotel […]

Read more "Regrets… I have a few."

You are loved

John was a snappy dresser. Yes, he had his silly satirical, goofy tshirts, but generally he was, as they say, a sharply dressed man. Dress shirts with jeans, paired with a sport coat, black jacket and nice shoes. Even in khaki shorts and tshirt, (or a shirt I made him) I always thought he looked […]

Read more "You are loved"

Better Halves

If you’re lucky, you have or will find a half and they make you whole. John made me a better person, but I know we were great together. We had our issues, but always loved. We were two halves of each other. I’m doubtful I’ll ever find this again. Halves are funny things. You need […]

Read more "Better Halves"

Trail mixed emotions

I still consider myself a new runner,  but I have had lots of firsts in my 1st year of running. My first Santa run. My first virtual run. My first fundraising run. My first run in Newfoundland. (Yep. 10 k on ‘The Rock’) and my first real trail run. With hills and stuff. I finished […]

Read more "Trail mixed emotions"