Hope We all cling to it. We all desperately seek it. We all need it. Without it, some of us can’t, and didn’t go on. It can be a fickle thing, a fleeting thing. It is always making us believe that tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow things will change. It often disappoints, but we forgive […]

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What can i say…

Hi again. Holiday season was another load of sad smiles, empty hearts pretending we’re OK, and despite the love i felt from friends and family, it’s not the same. John is missed. I’m sure anyone who’s lost someone feels the same. I worked throughout the season, but got a 12 hour mini-christmas amidst a blizzard. […]

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It seems to be a consensus amongst us -us being suicide loss survivors- that our grief is written on our faces. It turns out, it is not. People don’t see the loss. They don’t see the heartbreak. They don’t see anything but a face. It still kinda blows my mind when I realize this. It’s […]

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Reality bites

The second year without my Behr has been in full swing for a few months now. I’m doing my darnedest to not focus on those kind of anniversaries. The not happy ones. I don’t get why friends of mine post things on Facebook about how it’s been x amount of time since their 70 year […]

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Empty beds

John snored. It drove me nuts. I’m a very light sleeper and usually had to get up early for work, whereas he was a heavy sleeper and usually worked or stayed up late. I slept with earplugs just to block out the snorts and snores. He felt bad about about that, but then I have […]

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Regrets… I have a few.

I regret so much in regards to John. I’m sure people who lose loved ones to natural deaths, or deaths you know are coming, have regrets as well, but suicide doesn’t give you a chance to make things right. You don’t get to say goodbye. The last time we spoke, I was in a hotel […]

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You are loved

John was a snappy dresser. Yes, he had his silly satirical, goofy tshirts, but generally he was, as they say, a sharply dressed man. Dress shirts with jeans, paired with a sport coat, black jacket and nice shoes. Even in khaki shorts and tshirt, (or a shirt I made him) I always thought he looked […]

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