I’ve made it past the two year mark, and this time it wasn’t that traumatizing. The firsts are always the worst, it seems. The first anniversary, the first birthday, the first road trip, the first Christmas. The first September without John was terrible, leading to my escape to Spain. This one, I felt like i could coast through it if I just didn’t think about … Continue reading Changes
I attended a gala for mental health a few months ago. I think I’d mentioned that in a previous entry. I had a wee bit of hope after that night. Hope that some suicides are preventable and permanently avoided. Well, another blow to hope came last week. One of the “successful” patients who was a walking, talking proof that we can truly have hope, took … Continue reading Don’t ask Questions…
That’s me. My father’s daughter. A pilot. Swearing is part of my vocabulary. I love history and hot mustard and i suck at hugging. His childhood was as fucked as it was for many in the 1940’s: A bit of violence, a bit of rage, lots of love and a new world to discover after a long war. He was the youngest of 10 surviving … Continue reading my father’s daughter
New subdivisions are taking over the forests and fields where I live. I don’t like it. It seems every time I drive or walk somewhere, there are more and more plywood frames, standing a mere 30 cm apart from each other, calling themselves homes. Every time I go to these new build areas, another farm has lost the battle against the town council; another homestead … Continue reading The black and white house
I had my dream… At least I think it was “my” dream. Everyone who loses someone has their own theory on how our loved one lets us know that they’re OK. And inevitably, whatever happens after our time on the Earth, we seem to end up “ok”. Some think it’s a sign like a flower that hadn’t bloomed for years, now blooms on the day … Continue reading I had a dream…
Anthony Bourdain was one of my husband’s (and mine) favourites. Just favourites. Not necessarily favourite chef, traveller, host, sarcastic angry fucker, but just a favourite. He was brash, honest, a little crass, and a lot entertaining. He put the spark in the dark, and made mundane places seem exciting. He always acknowledged the beauty in the people he met, and brought out their best. He … Continue reading Thoughts unknown
I’m very tired these days. Tired of being sad, tired of wondering “is this IT?’ as far as progression or healing will go. Tired, physically not only with work, but the fact that I try to exhaust myself with running, yoga, occasionally purposefully not meeting my daily caloric intake – don’t care. Tired Mostly, I’m tired of pretending I’m OK. Crappy thing, I think my … Continue reading Tired
I’ve been focusing on my husbands suicide for these entries. It has undeniably changed my life for ever. I have a new normal and it is still something that I strive to adjust in my mind, in my heart. This loss is for keeps and is a forever part of me. I also lost my brother to suicide. It was 14 years ago. His birthday … Continue reading Oh brother, where ya at?
It’s quite amazing that a human can seemingly produce tears to infinity. You’d think you’d dry out, but I haven’t yet. I seem to actually run out of energy to cry before the tears dry up. The waves of emotion have been wider lately, that is, a spaces of time exist between the bottomless sadness that are now longer than they were before. Perhaps it’s … Continue reading Werewolves cry, too.
This entry is actually about running, mostly. I’m on a major sick day(s) and in lieu of running, I’ll write about it. We’ve had some frigid days this winter, hitting the -25 Celsius mark regularly. I’ve signed up for some winter runs and really hoped it wouldn’t be that cold. So far just an 8k, a winter obstacle course and a 5 km road run … Continue reading Cold runnings