Tiny little pieces

I’m still desperate to understand why some people see suicide as their only option. I read books from health professionals. I read interviews with people who have attempted suicide, but lived. I buy medical books with words and terms I honestly don’t quite understand. I have found articles relating gut health to depression. I have […]

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Hope chest of drawers

A dear friend of mine, who is also grieving, asked me how I was really doing the other day. My answer for that day was “I’m actually doing ok” huh. I explained I was still sad, and that he had just missed a sudden grief tsunami of my tears and sobbing, but at that time […]

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C

I’m not sure when I realized I stopped counting the seconds, the minutes, the hours… but I just realized I stopped counting the months at some point. I actually stopped counting the exact time since John left. One day it was the 8th day of a month, and I didn’t even notice the 5th skipped […]

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Birthday

They say it’s your birthday. John would have been 48 today. It’s odd to think that in two years, I’ll have been alive longer than he was. He was always supposed to be older than me. One day he won’t be. Quite a few people have checked in on me today, hoping I’m ok. I […]

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Same but different

Happiness morphs between mildly content and ecstatic. Although I can say that I am happy today, I can also assure you that it is a different happy than what I had before John died. But it is still happy. There are many ways to look at the evolution of happy before and after you lose […]

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Don’t ask Questions…

I attended a gala for mental health a few months ago. I think I’d mentioned that in a previous entry. I had a wee bit of hope after that night. Hope that some suicides are preventable and permanently avoided. Well, another blow to hope came last week. One of the “successful” patients who was a […]

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my father’s daughter

That’s me. My father’s daughter. A pilot. Swearing is part of my vocabulary. I love history and hot mustard and i suck at hugging. His childhood was as fucked as it was for many in the 1940’s: A bit of violence, a bit of rage, lots of love and a new world to discover after […]

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